Parenting Problems

Parenting Problems

Prayers For Child’s Return
Date of Advice:
October 2017
Date Posted:
December 2018

A student asked Rinpoche for advice about regaining care of a child after a divorce.

Lama Zopa Rinpoche, Root Institute, India, January 2009. Photo: Ven. Roger Kunsang.

My most dear, most kind, most precious, wish-fulfilling one,
I am sorry there wasn’t time to meet. I checked, and it would be very good if you can recite the Padmasambhava prayer [Tib: Tendrel Nyesel] a number of times every day.

However, it is very important that your motivation to get your daughter back is not only attachment. That would mean the time you spend reciting the prayer only becomes the cause of the lower realms, it doesn’t become Dharma. Even to get your daughter back, it should be to benefit her so that she can benefit sentient beings. Therefore, do the practice with bodhicitta motivation and in that way you should recite the Padmasambhava prayer, thinking:

The purpose of my life is not just to achieve happiness now for myself, whether temporal happiness or ultimate happiness and liberation from samsara forever; it is to free the numberless sentient beings from each realm, from the six realms’ sufferings and their causes, delusions and karma, and not only that, to bring them to peerless happiness, the total cessation of obscurations and completion of realizations.

To do that perfectly, I need to achieve the state of omniscience, therefore I am going to recite this prayer.

To get your daughter back should be to benefit her, to bring her into Dharma, to educate her to create good karma—only from that happiness comes. People in the world don’t know this, only those people who have met Dharma and practice Dharma know. The world doesn’t know this is the way; even Western scientists and Western governments have not discovered this. They think that the way to achieve happiness is only by working with external things, but that is only helping the conditions.

The main cause of happiness is your own mind, a positive mind, a virtuous mind, virtuous thought and positive action, so like that. The mind has to be Dharma, actions have to be Dharma, to cause happiness, to bring happiness, then ultimate happiness, liberation from samsara forever, and peerless happiness, enlightenment. Therefore, the motivation has to be compassion for all beings, bodhicitta, in order to achieve enlightenment for all sentient beings.

It’s very good for you to have around you and in your house this success elephant. Keep this elephant for success. There is a mantra on it, so you need to respect it. You can’t put it under the body or on the floor.

You also need to recite the following mantra from the Method to Transform a Suffering Life into Happiness (Including Enlightenment). You should recite this mantra a few times every day, not only for your daughter, but also it’s just generally very good to recite.

Holy Name and Mantra that Fulfill Wishes
DE ZHIN SHEG PA SA DZIN GYÄL PO LA CHHAG TSHÄL LO
TADYATHA / OM DHARE DHARE / DHARANI BÄNDHE SWAAHAA

Anyone who recites the name of this tathagata and memorizes the words of this mantra will have all their wishes fulfilled. Reciting both the name and the mantra brings success. During that time look at a picture of the Buddha. Look at it while reciting the prayers, to create good karma.

So please try this. Also, if you can, do the whole Method to Transform daily motivation every day, this is so good.

With much love and prayers

Problems With Children
Date Posted:
October 2005

Rinpoche gave the following advice to a student regarding her children’s problems. Her thirteen-year-old daughter had been hospitalized, and had been sexually abused by the student's father. Her seventeen-year-old son was involved in drugs and Satanism, and was on medication.

My very dear one,
My apologizes for the many eons that it took to answer your letter.

According to my observations, it would be best for you to practice Medicine Buddha puja every day. This is beneficial for your whole family. Of course, you also dedicate it to all sentient beings achieving enlightenment, to all holy beings’ long lives, and for all their wishes to be fulfilled.

Totally rely on Medicine Buddha every day and make prayers to Medicine Buddha that the best things may happen to your family. Don't only make prayers for this life but for all future lives. Pray for a good rebirth after this life, that you can meet the Dharma and actualize the path, or that you will be reborn in a pure land and become enlightened. Pray to be free from samsara as quickly as possible and to be able to enlighten all sentient beings as quickly as possible.

Set up many offerings in front of Medicine Buddha, many water bowl offerings, light offerings, fruit offerings, and food offerings, and change these offerings every day. Water is very easy to offer, so you can have more water bowl offerings. The food that is taken off the altar is then blessed food and can be eaten or given to people.

The other thing that would be very beneficial for you to do is to recite the mantras below every day thirty times.

The following mantra is the Buddha's name in order to have success:

DE ZHIN SHEG PA SA DZIN GYÄL PO LA CHHAG TSHÄL LO
TADYATHA / OM DHARE DHARE / DHARANI BÄNDHE SWAAHAA

So, please make many offerings to Medicine Buddha, and after each practice dedicate the merits. Here is a dedication you can use:

Due to all merits of the three times, may bodhicitta ripen within my heart, my family, the leaders of countries, violent people such as terrorists who are harming the world, as well as all sentient beings.

You can also make other dedications.

With much love and prayers...

 

Growing Up Too Fast
Date Posted:
October 2005

A student expressed concern for her teenage daughter, who was 16 years old and had started experimenting with different things. The mother felt that daughter was not always telling her the truth.

Raising children in a society full of negative influences, where bad friends are many, and good friends—disciplined, compassionate friends— are few, is not easy. Western culture has so much desire. It is not like so-called “developing” countries. Here, advertisements are all about desire, advertising what to do best for one’s desire, just like food commercials make us want to eat. All these things—bad friends, culture, school—make teenagers uneasy.

Just like tsa-tsa molds, our friends are like models for us. Parents should teach children never to forget karma.

Every day, pray to Medicine Buddha that she will grow up with all the qualities of the Buddhas, of Tara, and of Chenrezig, with the best qualities. The prayers of people who share homes have great power for each other. If you just pray for a healthy life, and other things like that for your daughter, then you are just focusing on the benefits of this life. That is not so good. But if she has all the best inner qualities, then she can be free from all suffering and can help all sentient beings.

 

A Bad Mother?
Date Posted:
October 2005

A student described the problems her oldest daughter had with bi-polar disorder and described herself as a bad mother who drank when her children were growing up.

It is not the parents’ fault when they can’t help their children. It’s the karma of the children. Because people don’t accept reincarnation in the West, they fall into the trap of blaming the parents.

Depression doesn’t give us much space to help others. If you can, put all the blame onto the one enemy: the self-cherishing mind. Normally, self-cherishing becomes our guru, the thing we cherish most. But cherishing our self-cherishing keeps us from enlightenment, so instead we need to see self-cherishing as our enemy. By defeating self-cherishing thoughts, it gives space for bodhicitta to grow. Anything that hurts our self-cherishing mind can help us actualize the path. Even if sometimes you have problems, and sometimes things are OK, don’t worry, just bring your mind back to compassion.

Your daughter can try changing her diet: No sugar, no processed foods, and eat fruit, rice, and vegetables. She can also try taking the herb St. John’s Wort.

You should perform Medicine Buddha sadhana, and recite the names of the Medicine Buddhas seven times a day. When you practice the purification part, first purify yourself, then purify your daughter.

Unexplainable depression, that is, depression that is not due to something happening externally, is the ripening of past sexual misconduct.

You can also recite these mantras: OM MANI PADME HUM and His Holiness the Dalai Lama's name mantra.