My most dear, most kind, most precious, wish-fulfilling one,
Thank you for your email and what you expressed. I checked and it is best for you to do Vajrasattva retreat, with recitation of 500,000 mantras. It’s also very good if you can attend Geshe-la's teachings at the same time. If you can do both, that is very good.
Do the retreat in a more relaxed way.
Generally, what you need is to meditate more on impermanence and death and the lower realms. Death can happen anytime. Meditate on this. You have received this perfect human rebirth just one time; also meditate on the suffering of the lower realms. Meditate on the lamrim more.
Please recite Pabongka Rinpoche’s Heart-Spoon every day, really recalling impermanence and death. That will help you and other sentient beings.
If your mind is subdued it will help you, however, you are just one person and other sentient beings are numberless, so their happiness is more important than yours, in order to free them from the sufferings of samsara and for them to achieve enlightenment.
Please try this.
With much love and prayers ...