Bring Your Child Up to Be the Best Possible Human Being

First, Your Aim in Bringing Up a Child Needs to Be Clear

Your next question was about how to bring up a child. That is a good question. If you are thinking to have a child, whether to have your own or to adopt one, first you need to have a clear idea of how to bring that child up. The way to bring a child up doesn’t mean to bring them up to be egoistic, to not care about other people in the world and to only be concerned about themselves and the people in their own family. It doesn’t mean to bring them up to be wealthy and educated but at the same time to be very selfish. Such a person only brings problems to themselves and others. For this reason, you need to be clear about how to bring your child up so that they do not become harmful to themselves and to the world. Instead they should bring as much peace and happiness as possible not only to themselves but also to others. That should be your aim in having a child. Otherwise, if your aim is something else your child won’t bring peace and happiness to themselves nor to other people.

How to do that? There are many ways for a child to be useful and to lead a meaningful life by not harming others and only causing them happiness—the temporary happiness of this life and future lives, the ultimate happiness of liberation from samsara, and the peerless happiness of enlightenment. But even if they don’t lead a Dharma life, they should at least lead a secular life that does not harm and brings happiness—even just short-term happiness—to others. In that way, they won’t receive harm from others in this life and also in their future lives. To avoid creating the cause to receive harm from others is the best way in which to protect themselves from harm.

Teach Your Child to Have a Good Heart

In my book Joyful Parents, Successful Children [see p. 35], I explain the importance of teaching your child to have a good heart, whether you as a parent are a Buddhist or not. Children need to learn to have a good heart not only with other people, but especially with their parents and family. They also need to have a good heart with animals including insects. If they have a good heart, they will not harm anyone and only give happiness to everyone.

Harming others is harming oneself. It is the very worst thing. Similarly, benefiting others is benefiting oneself. However, this should not be done only out of concern for one’s own happiness. It should be done out of concern for others’ happiness. That’s a very pure mind and the real practice of a good heart. It is what you need to teach your child.

Teach Your Child the Four Dharmas of Virtuous Training

Now, I will tell you the best way to take care of your child. First, I will explain how to bring up a child without relating it to spiritual topics like reincarnation and karma. I will only talk about how to bring up a child to be the best possible human being. A good human being means someone with a good heart who cares about others, who does not harm them and instead benefits them. It is most important to prepare yourself to educate your child in this way. I will give you some examples but you can teach your child more techniques to be a good human being on the basis of your own experience.

The Buddha taught four practices for the Sangha, ordained monks and nuns, called the four dharmas of virtuous training. These are:

1. If somebody scolds you, don’t scold them back.
2. If somebody beats you, don’t beat them back.
3. If somebody insults you, don’t insult them back.
4. If somebody gets angry with you, don’t get angry back.

These four practices are extremely good to learn. Even though they were taught for the Sangha, it is very good to bring your child up with this knowledge. If they can practice these four in their daily life, they will become good human beings. You should teach your child to behave like this, and when they do so, you should praise them and even give them a present.

It is very important for your child to become a kind and good human being. That will help the whole world to not experience suffering. It will bring perfect peace and happiness to others individually, and then it will bring peace to the world. It would be so good if the whole world were to receive peace and happiness from your child. It would make it worthwhile for your child to have been born a human being this time. It would give meaning and purpose to your child’s human rebirth.

Teach Your Child the Shortcomings of Anger and the Advantages of Patience

One of the first things to teach your child is to not get angry and to practice patience. To do this, you should train your child from the time they are young by educating them in the shortcomings of anger. If your child is continuously angry, they will bring much suffering to the world and harm more and more people. Acting in this way defeats the purpose of your child having been born a human being this time instead of being born an animal, such as a tiger that attacks and eats the flesh of other living beings. 

If your child even harms one person, the family and friends of that person will also get angry at your child for days, weeks, months and even years. They become an enemy of your child and your child becomes their enemy. When this happens, they all bring much suffering to the world, instead of bringing peace and happiness. This is so sad; there is no happiness in life, only much suffering and many problems. Anger can even lead to starting a war when a child grows up. As I mentioned earlier, the First World War it said to have been started by one human being.

Even if someone has a beautiful body and is very attractive, when anger arises it completely destroys their beauty. When someone’s mind becomes angry and violent, their body appears very frightening to other people, even when adorned with nice clothes and jewelry. On the other hand, by practicing patience, your child will have an attractive body and their mind will be happy and satisfied. Due to being a good human being, they will also cause other people to be good human beings who are kind, patient and compassionate. Everyone will also love and praise them.

If your child grows up with these good qualities and becomes a good human being, their life will be filled much happiness and satisfaction even when they are alone. And when they are with other people, they will bring them much happiness. If your child’s personality is good and kind, they will inspire others, even people who are cruel, selfish and bad-tempered. Naturally, your child will become the best teacher for others. Rather than teaching others by means of words learned in school, their very example of not harming and helping others on the basis of patience, compassion and loving kindness will inspire others.

Teach Your Child the “Seven Foundations for Happiness and Peace”

As is mentioned in detail in my book Joyful Parenting, Successful Children [see p. 41], there are seven specific qualities in which to educate your child. These are very important for keeping your child’s mind healthy and happy. If your child can learn them, they will be protected from mental illnesses, such as anxiety and depression. In that way, they will also be protected from physical sicknesses as a happy mind helps keep the body healthy.

The seven qualities are:

1. Kindness
2. Rejoicing
3. Patience
4. Forgiveness
5. Apologizing
6. Contentment
7. Courage

By being kind to others, your child will bring happiness to themselves and others. You should, therefore, teach your child to act respectfully and to be nice and pleasant to others with the actions of their body. Likewise, you should teach them to be respectful and polite to others with their speech, that is, to speak kind words to them, to praise them and to express appreciation when others help and serve them. In addition, they need to learn to cherish and care for others, just as they cherish and care for themselves. In this way, their mind will be filled with compassion, loving kindness, patience, satisfaction and tolerance toward others.

Rejoicing, which is being happy when good things happen to oneself and others, is the opposite of jealousy and dissatisfaction. By learning to rejoice, your child will always be happy and satisfied.

I already spoke about the importance of teaching your child to practice patience.

It is very important to teach your child to forgive anyone who harms them. Whenever your child forgives someone, you must thank them for doing that, show them you are happy, and give them a present. Also, you should teach your child to immediately apologize when they make a mistake and harm someone. By saying they are sorry, your child will be free from regret and will feel better, and the other person will also immediately feel better.

It is also good to teach your child contentment since many people end up destroying their lives with drugs and alcohol because they are not content. Your child also needs to learn courage as this is the answer to depression and feelings of hopelessness.

In addition to these seven, another important quality to teach your child is humility. Due to thinking “I’m the most important one” and putting others down, your child will only make others upset and unhappy and bring problems to themselves and others. On the other hand, if they are humble and hold others higher than themselves, it will make everyone, both the educated and uneducated, happy. In that way, your child will bring perfect peace and happiness to this world.

Teach Your Child Good Table Manners

It is very common for mothers to teach their children, even when they are very young, how to eat and behave when they are sitting at the table. Therefore, it is also good for you to teach your child good table manners. For example, you can teach your child not to talk with their mouth full, which is similar to the way in which fully ordained monks are expected to eat. Also, you can teach them not to make a chomping noise while they eat, and to eat with their mouth closed. All these are good manners that parents should teach their children.

The first student to whom I explained the evolution of samsara using a drawing of the wheel of life was a woman by the name of Vicky. She came to be possessed by a spirit and would sit for hours in one place without speaking. When she did speak, she would say she was a buddha and other nonsense like that. Every year at some point she would get mentally sick, but each time it would be a little bit different. One time she stopped eating and sometimes I had to spend a half hour or more telling her to eat food. She would then eat a couple of spoons of food and again stop eating. However, I noticed that even though she was experiencing spirit harm, when she ate she wouldn’t talk with her mouth full, nor would she eat noisily or with her mouth open. She didn’t do any of those things even though her mind was possessed by a spirit and she couldn’t even speak normally. This was because she had been taught good table manners by her mother when she was young and had become habituated with them.

So, it is good to also teach your child these kinds of things. When children and adults have good manners, it makes other people happy, which is the main thing. 

Bring Your Child Up in the Buddhadharma

You Need to Understand What Are Right and Wrong Worldly Views

Everything I have said up to this point about teaching your child to be a good human being is without relating it to the Buddhadharma. Now I will explain how to bring children up in relation to the Buddhadharma. This will help you make your child’s life even more meaningful and of even greater benefit to themselves and others. The benefit to themselves and others becomes like the ocean or the sky when it is related to Dharma.

I’ll begin by discussing the different kinds of views that people hold. Among views, there are right views and wrong views. Among right views, there are worldly right views and beyond-the-world right views, or beyond-samsara right views. Wrong views are only worldly. An example of a wrong view is thinking that there is no karma, that is, that actions do not have effects. This means not believing that suffering comes from nonvirtue and that happiness comes from virtue. However, that karma exists is something logical; it is not just a belief. If a parent doesn’t know about karma, how can they protect their child from suffering? They can’t, and then that will affect their child from life to life.

Another wrong view is not believing in the four noble truths. This means not believing (1) that there are true sufferings; (2) that the true causes of suffering are delusions and karma; (3) that we can become totally free from the sufferings of samsara by ceasing the causes of suffering and achieving true cessation; and (4) that true cessation is achieved by actualizing the true path. The true path is the wisdom directly perceiving the emptiness, or the ultimate reality, of the I, the aggregates, and all phenomena. It ceases the seeds of delusions and karma. By totally ceasing delusions and karma, it is impossible for these causes of suffering to arise again and, therefore, suffering also never arises again. That total cessation of sufferings and their causes is the everlasting happiness of nirvana. This nirvana is the lower nirvana in which the gross obscurations, the disturbing thought obscurations, have been ceased and we achieve liberation from samsara forever. Great nirvana is full enlightenment, or buddhahood, which is achieved by also ceasing the subtle obscurations, the knowledge obscurations, and by completing all realizations.

Yet another wrong view is thinking that the objects of refuge, Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, do not exist. Due to holding such wrong views, we will be reborn in the three lower realms, the hell, hungry ghost and animal realms, for a hundred million eons and experience their respective sufferings.

Many people in the world believe in a wrong view or follow a wrong religion. During their lifetime, they have a very strong belief that there is no karma, no four noble truths, or no Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. It is only when they actually start to experience, for example, the intense suffering of the hell realm, that they see the result of the negative karma of holding that wrong view. However, it is then too late to purify and confess the negative karma and they will have to experience the suffering result for eons and eons and eons. This happens to many people in the world because during their life they did not come to understand these things. Some of them had no karma to receive teachings on the right view, some heard these teachings but didn’t believe them, and some became angry when someone tried to explain the right view to them. Then, there are others who remained uncertain about whether reincarnation and karma, the four noble truths and so forth exist or not. There are also people who intellectually don’t believe in and even deny their existence, but then, just before they die, naturally get a sort of premonition that something terrible is going to happen to them. I have seen that happen to people.

People who have faith in karma and those other things are said to have a worldly right view, or a right view of worldly beings.

You Need to Understand What Is Beyond-the-World Right View

The other right view, beyond-the-world right view, or beyond-samsara right view, is the right view of emptiness, or the right view of ultimate nature. However, even among Buddhists there are different ways to understand what is the right view. There are four Buddhist philosophical schools: Vaibhashika, Sautrantika, Cittamatra and Madhyamaka. The Madhyamaka school in turn has two divisions, the Svatantrika Madhyamaka school and the Prasangika Madhyamaka school. It is essential to know the views of the previous schools so as to come to a clear understanding of the view of the highest school, the Prasangika. This is because with each successive school, the beyond-samsara right view—the correct view of the ultimate nature of the I and all phenomena—is more refined. Even though the Svatantrika view is close to the Prasangika view, realizing it is not enough to cut the root of samsara, which is ignorance. Thus, it is unable to eliminate all the delusions—the six root delusions, twenty secondary delusions, and the 84,000 delusions derived from attachment, anger, ignorance, and a combination of all three—and karma. For this reason, according to the Prasangika school, the Svatantrika view is also wrong.

In short, in order to completely cut the root of samsara and cease all the sufferings of hell beings, hungry ghosts, animals, human beings, asuras, asuras and intermediate state beings, we need to realize the Prasangika school’s view, which is the most correct beyond-samsara right view. To do this, it is good to study the views that are considered correct by the lower philosophical schools. This will help us clearly understand the view of the Prasangika school regarding the ultimate nature of all phenomena.

You Need to Understand the Karmic Results of Holding Wrong Views

As an example of a wrong view, let’s take a look at a view that is commonly held by the Hindus of Nepal. These people sacrifice animals to offer to their gods. They do this all year round but there are certain days of the year on which almost every Hindu sacrifices an animal. Each year on one day in particular, people used to kill as many as a hundred thousand animals in a big open area in Kathmandu. Even government officials would go there to take part in a competition to see who was the quickest to slit the throat of a buffalo and kill it. Families and individuals would also go there to sacrifice smaller animals, such as chickens. Those who weren’t able to afford a chicken would mold a piece of dough into the shape of a chicken and pretend to kill it. Like this, the people in Nepal live their whole life with the wrong view that sacrificing animals is a good action. For example, I told you before about how the former Kopan cook would sacrifice a goat by first sprinkling water on it. When the goat shook as a result, that meant it accepted to be sacrificed.

However, according to Buddhism, the action of killing a goat, for example, has four parts:

1. The base, a sentient being, in this case the goat
2. The thought, the intention to kill the goat
3. The action, to kill the goat by means of, for example, a knife
4. The conclusion, the goat dies before the person doing the killing dies

An action of killing that is complete in all these parts has four karmic results.

1. The ripened-aspect result of killing is rebirth in one of the three lower realms.

In addition, there are three other suffering results of killing that are experienced in the human realm. This means that when we are once again reborn as a human being due to the ripening of a good karma, we will experience suffering as a result of the past action of killing a goat.

2. The possessed result³ is to do with the place. As a result of having killed in the past, we find ourself in places where there are many dangers to our life, such as war, contagious diseases and so forth.

3. Experiencing the result similar to the cause is that we will be harmed and killed by other sentient beings, just as we harmed and killed them in the past.

4. Creating the result similar to the cause is that we will have the habit of engaging in that same action, which in this case is that we once again naturally engage in killing other beings.

These four suffering results are not experienced only one time. They go on and on and are experienced for many lifetimes. One text I read says that as a result of killing, we will remain in the lower realms for one eon, or maybe it was for one hundred eons. The results of karma are unbelievable but most sentient beings in the world do not know them. Even people who consider themselves to be Buddhists do not necessarily have a full understanding of karma since being a Buddhist merely means that one has faith in Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. The only people who understand the results of karma are those who have studied the Dharma well.

People Hold Wrong Views Due to Their Karma

To have a strong but wrong belief in something happens because we have the karma to believe in it even though it is not true. Then, by following that belief, it causes us to hold that same wrong view from life to life for hundreds, thousands, or even millions of lifetimes. All that comes from holding and following that one wrong view this year, this month, this week, today. Even what we do in one hour affects us for many lifetimes. Like this, holding a wrong view and the problems that come from holding it go on and on, bringing unbelievable suffering.

You have to know that and you have to think about it. Then you will come to understand that holding a wrong view is not a trivial thing; it leads to suffering for an unimaginable length of time, even for eons. Therefore, you need to eliminate any wrong view you have from your mind right away.

On the other hand, if you hold right views, you won’t suffer and will experience only happiness. Holding right views has positive effects; it brings happiness for hundreds, thousands and millions of lifetimes. In other words, by holding right views, your happiness increases more and more. You also have to know this.

Therefore, in this life, you need to be very careful to cultivate right views and to avoid holding wrong views. To do this, it is not enough to meet Buddha, Dharma and Sangha and to become a Buddhist. You should also try to understand the Dharma as much as possible by studying it. It is necessary to learn at least the teachings on the lamrim, the graduated path to enlightenment. The lamrim is the basis. It condenses the 84,000 teachings taught by the Buddha and contains the teachings of the Lesser Vehicle, Great Vehicle sutra, and Great Vehicle tantra. By studying the lamrim, you can come to understand the very essence of the Buddha’s teachings. Actually, until you achieve enlightenment you should never stop studying Dharma. The more you study Dharma, the more you will recognize wrong views and be able to put an end to them.

You Should Leave Imprints on Your Child’s Mind to Understand the Right View

While it would be difficult for a child to understand the Prasangika Madhyamaka school’s right view, you can at least recite some short quotations by the Buddha to your child. If your child can memorize them and perhaps even chant them, that would be incredibly good. Every time they repeat the quotation, it leaves a positive imprint on their mind that will eventually cause them to gain an intellectual understanding of emptiness. That, in turn, will eventually cause them to have a direct perception of emptiness, which will eventually liberate them from samsara. This happens even if the child doesn’t understand the meaning of what they are saying.

It is not necessary for your child to understand the meaning of the quotations. You can chant them together with your child in Tibetan or sing them in your own language with or without music. Doing that is very worthwhile and meaningful, and is a most skillful way of benefiting your child. This is because it is an easy way to help them achieve happiness not only in this life. It will also cause them from life to life to become free from the oceans of samsaric sufferings and their causes, delusions and karma, and achieve the ultimate happiness of nirvana. Then, it will also help them to become from this lower nirvana and achieve great nirvana, full enlightenment, the total cessation of obscurations, both gross and subtle, and the completion of realizations, in Tibetan, sang gyä. But even then, the result is not yet finished. After that, they will be able to liberate the numberless sentient beings from the oceans of samsaric sufferings, whereby their suffering will be finished forever. That is amazing and you have to understand how that is so important. But not only that, they will also be able to bring every hell being, every hungry ghost, every animal, every human being, every asura, every sura and every intermediate state being to buddhahood, that is, to perfect everlasting peace and happiness. Wow, wow, wow. That is truly amazing! 

Now you can see how your child’s life can touch and benefit every single hell being by freeing them from their suffering. Since you haven’t yet received teachings on the lamrim, you don’t know all the unimaginable sufferings of the ten major hot hells, the ten major cold hells, the six neighboring hells and the occasional hells. Therefore, it is very important for you to at least read books on the lamrim, the essence of all the sutra teachings, where you will find explanations of the sufferings of all three lower realms.

Your child can also benefit every single hungry ghost by freeing them from their suffering. Likewise, they can benefit every single animal. When I say “animal” I don’t mean just cats and dogs or other animals that people like. There are numberless animals in the ocean. Some of them are very large, like the whales, and some are so small that we can’t see them with our eyes but only with a microscope. Some animals in the ocean are shaped like rocks, others like flowers and trees. Other kinds of animals live under the ground, such as worms. Small insects live in bushes and grass. Tiny fruit flies live on old fruit left to rot and ants live even high up in multistoried apartment blocks. Invisible microorganisms live in our bodies. In short, “animal” includes all kinds of animals living in all kinds of places.

Your child can also benefit human beings. Here I’m not only talking about the human beings in this world but about the numberless human beings living in the numberless universes. Also, they can benefit the numberless asuras, the numberless suras, and the numberless intermediate state beings. In short, they can bring everyone to the peerless happiness of enlightenment. That is incredible. It makes their life incredibly beneficial to all sentient beings. That is the ultimate purpose for people who practice the Mahayana teachings. For ordinary beings who have attachment and anger, all sentient beings are included in three categories: friends (those we like), enemies (those we don’t like), and strangers (those to whom we are indifferent). A Mahayana practitioner aims to benefit all these sentient beings without any partiality whatsoever.

You Can Benefit Your Child by Having Many Holy Objects

Having Holy Objects Is a Simple Way to Achieve Happiness

Now I will talk a bit about the benefits of having holy objects. In general, it is very important to have as many holy objects as possible, such as paintings (thangkas) and statues of buddhas, in your house. But then, of course, you have to respect them. You can’t just put them on the ground or in a dirty place where there is rubbish.

Most people, even Buddhists, don’t know about the importance of holy objects unless they have read the Kangyur mindfully. This is because this subject doesn’t normally come in the lamrim teachings, even though they may contain a clear explanation of the more difficult points found in the Buddha’s teachings. However, I think it is very important to understand the benefits of having holy objects. This is because if you don’t want suffering and want happiness, having holy objects is the simplest way to achieve that. It is also the simplest way to stop others from experiencing suffering and to cause them happiness. Here “others” means the numberless sentient beings. There are numberless hell beings, hungry ghosts, animals, human beings, asuras, suras and intermediate state beings, each one of whom is as important as you are. Since you are just one, you are nothing compared to them. Therefore, to stop causing them suffering and to cause them happiness is so important. It is as important as stopping suffering for yourself and causing happiness for yourself.

This is just side-talk but I want to mention it here. Sometimes we do things that cause suffering to ourselves, in spite of knowing that it will bring us suffering. When we do that, we don’t get angry at ourselves. But then, when someone else causes us to suffer, we get so angry, so angry, so angry at them, thinking, “They caused me suffering, waaaaw.” You want to kill them right away, to smash them, and to break their body into pieces! This is because you want others to always cause you happiness. That is the only thing you want. You don’t even want an ant or a mosquito to bite you.

When a mosquito comes buzzing around you, you can see who you cherish the most. At that time, you can easily tell whether you cherish yourself or the mosquito more. In fact, that you cherish yourself more becomes extremely clear. Your self-cherishing thought becomes extremely clear. This self-cherishing thought is what has caused you all your suffering from beginningless rebirths, is causing your suffering now, and will cause your suffering in the future. It is what causes harm and suffering to you and to all sentient beings.

On top of that, when the mosquito is buzzing around you, you can also see your ignorance holding the I as real while it is not. You can see how strong your ignorance is. Like a hot-air balloon that takes people up into the sky, your ignorance holding the I as real becomes bigger and bigger as the mosquito continues buzzing around you. The self-cherishing thought and the ignorance holding the I as real are the sources of all your suffering.

The Buddha Taught the Importance of Having Holy Objects

To help you understand the importance of holy objects, I want to cite a scripture from the collection of the Buddha’s teachings, which is called the Kangyur in Tibetan. Sutra of the Mudra Engaging in Generating the Power of Devotion says:

The Buddha said, “Manjushri, any son or daughter of the [Mahayana] race who, for eons equal to the sand grains of the Ganges River, offers divine food of a hundred tastes and, likewise, divine clothing every day to solitary realizer arhats equal in number to the particles of dust of all the universes [collects extensive merits]. But, Manjushri, [compared to them], any other son or daughter of the race who sees a drawing or statue of a buddha collects far greater numberless merits. Since that is so, what need is there to mention that anyone who puts their palms together [to a drawing or statue of a buddha] or offers it flowers, perfume, incense, lights, [or water] collects far greater numberless merits than that?”

Here the Buddha is talking to the bodhisattva Manjushri. The Buddha says to Manjushri that any son or daughter of the race (I think this means the Mahayana race), who, for eons equaling the number of sand grains of the Ganges River (which can be taken to mean of the Pacific Ocean), makes offerings every day of devas’ food of a hundred tastes and devas’ fine clothing to solitary realizer arhats (those who have achieved liberation from the oceans of samsaric sufferings and their causes) equal in number to the particles of dust of all the numberless universes collects extensive merits. However, compared to them, any other son or daughter of the Mahayana race who sees a drawing or statue of a buddha collects far greater numberless merits. Then, compared to them, anyone who puts their palms together in prostration to a drawing or statue of a buddha or offers it flowers, perfume, incense, light, or water collects even far greater numberless merits.

Here I have added “water” to the list of offerings mentioned in the text because it is a common Tibetan Buddhist practice to offer bowls filled with water on one’s altar. One reason people in Tibet offered water was that it didn’t cost anything so they would give rise to pride when offering it. On the other hand, when we make more expensive offerings, we might think, “I’m so wonderful to have offered such-and-such.” Another reason Tibetans offer water is that the water in Tibet was renowned for possessing eight qualities. These qualities were first described by Lama Atisha, an Indian master who came to Tibet to revive and make Buddhism pure again. They are set out in lamrim texts such as Pabongkha Rinpoche’s Liberation in the Palm of Your Hand.

In short, the Buddha said that doing prostrations or making offerings to a drawing or statue of a buddha creates far greater numberless merits than merely seeing an image of a buddha.

Likewise, Avatamsaka Sutra sets out the benefits of seeing, hearing or making offerings to the victorious ones:

Also, if you see, hear, or make offerings to the victorious ones,
Your immeasurable heap of merits will increase.
All the delusions and sufferings of samara will be abandoned.
These causative phenomena will never be lost or wasted.
Any prayer you do in their presence will succeed.

“The victorious ones” means the buddhas. By seeing them, hearing their voices, or making offerings to them, our immeasurable heap of merits will increase, becoming like the sky. Seeing, hearing, or making offerings to them also becomes a cause to abandon, not just for a short time but completely, all the delusions and sufferings of cyclic existence, or samsara. These causative phenomena, that is, our merits, will never be lost or wasted. Also, whatever prayers we make in the presence of these holy beings will succeed precisely as we wish.

Sutra Showing the Qualities of Manjushri’s Pure Land also says that whatever we pray for will happen:

All existents are like conditions;
They completely depend on the tip of a wish.
Whatever prayer anyone makes,
The corresponding result will be achieved.

Here the Buddha says that all existents are like conditions that completely depend on our wishes. Because of this, whatever prayer we make, the corresponding wished-for result will be achieved.

These quotations show the usefulness and benefits of holy objects. The first quotation from Sutra of the Mudra Engaging in Generating the Power of Devotion, in particular, shows why it is good to have many holy objects in our house (except for the bathroom where there are unpleasant odors). In particular, it is good to have holy objects in rooms where people gather, such as the dining room and living room, so that visitors, whether they are Buddhist or not, can see them and collect the most unbelievable merits just by coming to our home. This happens naturally without any need to talk to them about collecting merits, which might disturb those who don’t like to hear such things. Just seeing the holy objects helps them and becomes our gift to them.

Then, those who put their palms together in prostration to holy objects, those who make offerings to them, and those who circumambulate them collect even more merits than those collected by someone who just sees a holy object. An example of an easy way to make offerings is that each time you switch on a light, you can think you are offering light to however many holy objects there are in that room. By doing this, you collect much more merits that the merits collected by seeing the holy objects. Wow, wow, wow.

In short, we receive the most unbelievable benefits with every small positive thing we do in relation to the holy objects that represent the Guru, Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. As Buddhists, it is necessary to know these things. We can then make everything we do most worthwhile and a cause of happiness.

You Should Teach Your Child to Make Offerings to Holy Objects

Now you can also see why it is important for Buddhist parents to teach their children to make offerings to holy objects. As soon as your child is old enough to stand on their own, they can begin to offer a biscuit, fruit, candy, or anything else in front of a statue or painting of a buddha. They should make the offering respectfully, thinking that they are giving the offering to a real buddha. They should not just drop the offering on the altar, nor throw it there.

It is important to at least have a statue or painting of Shakyamuni Buddha, the founder of the present Buddhadharma in our world. But you can also have other images, such as that of Tara, who is the embodiment of all the buddhas’ holy actions. You can have an image of Compassionate-Eye-Looking Buddha (Avalokiteshvara in Sanskrit or Chenrezig in Tibetan), in any aspect, such as with a thousand arms or four arms. All the numberless buddhas’ compassion manifested in this form to help us develop great compassion in our own heart and to cause compassion to be generated in the hearts of all sentient beings.

If you are able to afford it, you can also have an image of Manjushri. All the buddhas’ wisdom manifested in Manjushri to develop wisdom in one’s own and other sentient beings’ hearts. In addition, you can have an image of Vajrapani. All the buddhas’ perfect power manifested in this wrathful form to develop power in one’s own and other sentient beings’ hearts. Then there are many other kinds of statues and paintings that you can have. In short, it is good to have as many statues and paintings as you can afford because of the extensive benefits that come from making offerings to them and so forth, as was explained in the quotation above.

Each time your child sees the holy objects, they collect extensive merits. Then, by also offering biscuits, sweets, fruit and so forth to them, they collect numberless far greater merits, as mentioned in Sutra of the Mudra Engaging in Generating the Power of Devotion. Another sutra tells of a brahmin woman who once scattered sandalwood powder on the feet of the Buddha in offering. The Buddha predicted that she would not be reborn in the lower realms for 810,000,000 eons.

One very important thing to remember is that with each offering to a statue, stupa, scripture or painting of a buddha, with each circumambulation of a holy object, and with each prostration to it (whether by bowing their head, holding one hand up in prostration, or doing a short or full-length prostration), your child also creates the cause of enlightenment. If there is more than one holy object, your child creates the corresponding number of causes of enlightenment with each offering, circumambulation, or prostration they do. This is something that as a parent you must know and keep in mind.

For these reasons, it would be good for your child to make an offering three times a day, such as in the morning, afternoon and evening before going to bed, or whenever is most convenient. If this is not possible, they can make an offering twice a day, or at the very least once a day. When the next offering is made, the previous offering can be taken away or else it can be left for some time but taken away before it becomes old. Because the food was offered to the buddhas, it now has the buddhas’ blessings. You should remember this when you take the offering off the altar. Because it has been blessed, eating it purifies all one’s negative karmas and obscurations and causes one to achieve all the realizations of the path to enlightenment. So, either your child can eat it or it can be given to others so that they too receive the blessings of the buddhas.

Another thing that your child might enjoy doing is ringing a bell, gong, singing bowl, or chimes as an offering of music. As I said before, your child collects unbelievable merits by making an offering even just one time to a holy object, such as a statue, scripture, or stupa, which respectively represent a buddha’s holy body, holy speech and holy mind. First of all, they create the cause of enlightenment. This means that your child creates the cause to achieve the skies of qualities of a buddha’s holy body, holy speech and holy mind. That itself is amazing. It also means they create the cause to realize the whole path to enlightenment. Also, while they are still in samsara, all the happiness they want will come by the way. So, making an offering to a holy object even just one time in one’s life is incredible. For this reason, I suggest that your child make offerings three times a day; if not that, twice a day; or at least, once a day. They should do this every day. The time and expense involved are very little, but the result is unbelievable. Every time your child makes an offering to a holy object, circumambulates it, or prostrates to it, right away it becomes a cause of enlightenment, and, at the same time, it becomes a cause of every happiness, both temporary and ultimate. It is truly amazing.

In addition to making offerings to holy objects, it is also very good for your child to circumambulate them if possible, but this will depend on where the holy objects have been arranged. As your child gets older, you can also teach them how to do prostrations. If your child puts their palms together in prostration or even just imitates you and does either short or full-length prostrations to the holy objects, they collect the most unbelievable, unbelievable benefits, as was explained before.

In short, there are many practices that you can teach your child that will be of great benefit to them. Although these practices have detailed explanations, you can’t expect your young child to know these things. Just explain the essence of the practice to the child in very simple words. Then as your child grows up, you can explain the deeper meaning behind these practices.

You Should Teach Your Child to Recite Prayers

When your child is old enough, you can teach them some prayers. At the very least, begin by teaching them the verse for taking refuge and generating bodhicitta:

SANG GYÄ CHHÖ DANG TSHOG KYI CHHOG NAM LA
JANG CHHUB BAR DU DAG NI KYAB SU CHHI
DAG GI JIN SOG GYI PÄI TSHOG NAM KYI
DRO LA PHÄN CHHIR SANG GYÄ DRUB PAR SHOG (3X)

I take refuge until I am enlightened
In the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Supreme Assembly.
By my merits of generosity and so forth,
May I become a buddha to benefit transmigratory beings. (3x)

It is OK to chant the verse in Tibetan, but it would be best to try to chant it in English. If you can, you could chant it with the same tune as the Tibetan, otherwise, you can invent a new way of chanting it. If it is chanted, it is easier for your child to recite it rather than just saying the words, as it becomes more like singing a song. However, it shouldn’t actually be sung as there is a difference between chanting a prayer and singing a song. Chanting has a more positive effect on the mind.

Your child can do this prayer for taking refuge and generating bodhicitta every day. They can sit down even just for a short time while they chant it three times.

You Can Benefit Your Child by Teaching Them Respect

You Should Teach Your Child to Respect Others

As I mentioned already, it is good to respect everyone with one’s body, speech and mind. We should respect not only our family, our father and mother, and not only our friends, but also other people. We should respect even strangers, the people we don’t know, as well as those we consider to be enemies. From our side, we should treat everyone with the same respect. We should not even treat animals badly, using and then discarding them like toilet paper.

In particular, from the side of children, it is important to respect and serve their parents and to be kind to them. In the West, some good children do this but many think of their parents as their enemies. They get tired of their parents telling them “Do this” and “Don’t do that” to the point that some children even end up running away from home. Of course, they may eventually realize that their parents did this out of care and concern for them and return home.

Children need to recognize that their parents are actually unbelievably kind. They need to remember that we human beings are born a mere lump of flesh, totally unable to take care of ourselves. As I said before, our mother, in particular, gave us this human body and then she protected us from hundreds of dangers day and night, bore many hardships for us, and educated us in the ways of the world. She is the one who taught us to stand up and walk, how to speak, and how to do many other things. She is the one who made us into a human being!

If, instead, our parents had thrown us in the garbage or abandoned us on the side of a road when we were born, they would have given us total freedom to do whatever we want. We would not have been forced to stay at home with them. But then we could have been attacked and eaten by animals! Would we have wanted that to happen? Of course, not. Children need to learn to think in this way.

Here, I’m not saying that every single thing that parents advise or teach their children to do is the best way to do things. However, in general, mothers are the ones who teach their children how to behave, how to speak, how to walk, and so on. Most of the time, they are the ones who teach their children how to behave as human beings. Children need to understand this point well.

Parents Are Powerful Karmic Objects

Different things in the world have different properties or powers. Water has the power to make things wet. Fire has the power to burn things. Electrical waves have the power to carry messages from the West to the East and from countries in the north, like Tibet, to countries in the south, like Australia. Pleasant sounds have the power to bring us happiness, while unpleasant sounds make us angry and unhappy. For example, by hearing certain words we experience pleasure, and by hearing other words we experience pain. Good food makes us happy, while bad food makes us unhappy and even sick. We can’t use fire to make things wet nor can we use water to burn things. We have to make use of things according to their respective powers. Then they can be beneficial and helpful to us.

In the same way, there is a difference between our parents and other ordinary people. Compared to others, our parents are more powerful objects. This means that if we harm them, we create very heavy negative karma that can ripen even in this very life in the form of suffering and problems. But the suffering doesn’t finish in this life; it continues from life to life. Because it is powerful, the result of the negative action of harming our parents goes on for a very long time, even if the original harm we caused them was very small. In the same way, even if we offer a little service to our parents, the good karma is so powerful that we can start to experience the result, happiness and success, in this very life. Likewise, we will continue to experience much happiness and success from life to life.

An Ancient Story Shows How Parents Are Powerful Karmic Objects

I will tell you a story about the power of parents that is found in the stories of the previous lives of the Buddha, before he became an enlightened being.⁴ In that particular life the Buddha was born as a boy who was nicknamed Potter’s Daughter⁵ by his parents as a way to prevent him from dying young. When he grew up, he wanted to do the same work as his father, who had died when he was young. His father used to travel the ocean in search of jewels and had died doing that. Because his mother didn’t want the same to happen to her son, she told Potter’s Daughter that his father used to sell grass for a living. So, he set about selling grass and gave his mother the first gold coin he earned. Later she told him that his father had sold wood and he changed to selling wood. Again, he gave his mother the first gold coin he earned from this work.

Eventually Potter’s Daughter heard the truth from other people—that his father used to travel the ocean in search of jewels. So he decided to do that. When his mother heard this, she lay down on the floor and, holding onto Potter’s Daughter’s feet, begged him not to go. In response, he kicked his mother on the head and, ignoring her pleas, left for the ocean.

While traveling the ocean, Potter’s Daughter came upon an island where there was a multi-storied mansion filled with beautiful goddesses. The goddesses asked him to stay with them and promised to serve him, but he refused and, after spending some time with them, went on his way. Again, he came across another island on which there was a multi-storied mansion with even more goddesses as well as sense pleasures similar to those of the gods. Again, the goddesses asked him to stay but he refused and continued on his travels. The pleasure he experienced with the goddesses on these two islands was the result of the gold coins he had given to his mother.

Eventually, he came to another island ringed round by an iron mountain. On that island, there was a man who had a huge wheel of blades turning continuously on his head, causing him excruciating pain. As the result of the karma of kicking his mother’s head when she grabbed him and pleaded with him not to leave, the wheel of sharp weapons transferred to Potter’s Daughter’s head. It was going to remain there turning continuously for 60,000 years, but as it landed on his head, Potter’s Daughter thought, “May I experience this suffering of a wheel of blades turning on my head for all sentient beings.” In essence he generated bodhicitta by wishing others’ suffering to ripen on himself.

As soon as Potter’s Daughter had that thought, by the power of his bodhicitta, the wheel of blades lifted off his head and he was freed from this terrible suffering. After that, he died and was reborn in the deva realm of Tushita. This story illustrates how karma created in relation to our parents is so heavy that we can start to experience its result in the very same life.

Some Cultures Believe that Giving a Child a Demeaning Nickname Prevents Early Death

I will tell you a story about nicknames. My mother had several children who died very young. One had a protrusion on his head, exactly like a buddha, and died shortly after birth. Because of this, when my sister, Ngawang Samten, was born, she was given the nickname Kame Drolma, meaning Blacksmith Liberator. In Solu Khumbu, where our family lived, a blacksmith was considered to be of a lower caste and was usually not even allowed to enter people’s houses. It was believed that by giving a child a negative name like “blacksmith,” it would help prevent an early death. In fact, my sister lived to become a nun, receiving ordination from one of my gurus, Kyabje Trulshik Rinpoche, in Thangme monastery, and has survived into old age. She presently lives in Lawudo where I am said to have lived and meditated in my previous life as the Lawudo Lama.

Between me and Ngawang Samten, my mother had another girl who died when I was in Tibet as a young child. After me, my mother gave birth to my brother Ngawang Sangye. We too survived by being given nicknames. This was quite a common practice in Solu Khumbu and many families did the same to prevent their children from dying young.

Beings Who Are Even More Powerful Karmic Objects Than Parents

In short, because we were born to them and they were extremely kind to us, our parents are extremely powerful objects, much more than other people, for creating negative karma and for collecting merits. The story of Potter’s Daughter shows us how even a relatively small harm done to them can bring incredible suffering in this and many lifetimes. Likewise, helping and serving our parents even in small ways will bring the result of happiness and success in this and many lifetimes.

1. Ordained Monks and Nuns

Then, even more powerful objects than our parents are an ordained monk or nun who hasn’t yet realized emptiness. A little service to them brings happiness now and for many lifetimes. Likewise, a little harm to them brings much greater suffering and for a longer period of time than by harming our parents.

2. Arhats

Then, compared to numberless ordained people, one arhat, a being who is free from samsara and has achieved nirvana, is a much more powerful object. Thus, a small service to an arhat brings unbelievable happiness for a great length of time. Similarly, a small harm to them causes much more suffering and for a much longer period of time than by harming the ordained.

3. Bodhisattvas

Then, compared to numberless arhats, one bodhisattva is a much more powerful object. In the teachings on the lamrim, the graduated path to enlightenment, it is explained that if someone looks at a bodhisattva’s holy body with a calm devotional mind, the result is greater than that of making charity of one’s eyes to all the desire-realm sentient beings and all those of the form and formless realms. Beings of the desire realm are characterized by desire for the five pleasant sense objects. There are numberless beings in the desire realm. The beings of the form and formless realm are born there through achieving ever higher states of meditation. There are also numberless beings in the form and formless realms.

The beings of the desire realm, form realm and formless realm include all samsaric beings. Although we create an enormous amount of merit by making charity of our eyeballs to all of them, we create much more merit by looking at a bodhisattva with a calm, devotional mind. This is because a bodhisattva is someone who does not have any self-cherishing thought at all. They have completely changed their mind into cherishing others. Just as we cherish ourselves, they cherish the numberless sentient beings. Because they have no self-cherishing thought at all, they are great holy beings who have incredible holy minds.

On the other hand, if we glare at a bodhisattva even one time with dislike, we create negative karma that is much worse than that of taking out the eyes of the numberless sentient beings of the desire realm, form realm and formless realm. Here it should be noted that because the beings in the formless realm don’t have form, that is, physical bodies, they don’t have eyes. However, including them here gives an idea of the heaviness of the negative karma of glaring at a bodhisattva.

5. Buddhas

Can you imagine the happiness that comes from offering even a little service to a bodhisattva? It is truly unbelievable. However, a buddha is an even more powerful object than numberless bodhisattvas. It is said by the great bodhisattva Shantideva in his Bodhicaryavatara, A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life, that if someone who doesn’t have bodhicitta gets angry at a bodhisattva for one second, the merits that person collected for one thousand eons by making charity to sentient beings and offerings to the buddhas get completely destroyed. That happens by giving rise to anger for one second. Can you imagine that? Wow, wow, wow. But now, by extrapolating from that quote, we can understand that if someone gets angry at a buddha for one second, it is likely that the merits collected over many hundreds of thousands of eons are completely destroyed.

6. Gurus

The next one, the most powerful object, is our guru. This is someone from whom we received Dharma teachings while thinking that they are our guru and we are their disciple. This Dharma connection can be made by receiving even something as little as the oral transmission of a short mantra of a few syllables. Again, by extrapolating from the quotation in Bodhicaryavatara, we can conclude that it is likely that by getting angry for one second at our guru, we destroy a million eons’ worth of merits. From that we can also understand that we also collect the most extensive merit in relation to our guru. Therefore, even a small service to our guru brings happiness for millions and millions of lifetimes. It also brings us to the peerless happiness of enlightenment, or buddhahood, the total cessation of obscurations and the completion of realizations. Even if we offer our guru a candy, a nut, or a glass of water, even if we just help our guru put on his or her shoes, the result of such a tiny offering or small service is unbelievable—it causes us temporary happiness for millions of eons and ultimately it brings us to enlightenment. It is incredible, incredible, incredible!

In short, the guru is the person in relation to whom there is the greatest purification of negative karmas and obscurations collected from beginningless rebirths. Likewise, there is the greatest collection of merits. This is the reality that is mentioned in many Dharma texts. The enlightened beings who practiced lamrim, the graduated path to enlightenment, explained this on the basis of the Buddha’s teachings and their own experience.

Happiness Comes from Serving and Respecting Our Parents

This was just an introduction to how parents are powerful objects with whom children can collect extensive merits. I began it by saying that the four elements and so forth naturally have different types of power. Like that, some beings are naturally more powerful objects than others when it comes to collecting merits. Among ordinary unordained people, our parents are the most powerful in this regard.

One of my gurus was the previous Kyabje Zong Rinpoche. At one time, he was the abbot of Ganden Shartse, one of the two colleges of Ganden Monastery, which had thousands of monks in Tibet. Among the monks were many top learned scholars who were also living in the practice and gaining realizations. One time, Zong Rinpoche’s parents came from Kham to visit him in Lhasa. By then he had already acquired a name for himself and had many disciples who highly respected him, but, in spite of it not fitting with his elevated position, he still wanted to serve his parents, including even clean their floors. He wanted to do this because he understood their kindness to himself and wished to do something to repay it.

I myself didn’t get to serve my parents. My father died while I was still a small baby being carried around in a bamboo basket. I was only able to give my mother a set of robes when she became a nun and do some small things for her. I didn’t get to really offer her service and take care of her like Zong Rinpoche wanted to do for his parents.

It is so important that children learn to respect their parents and always serve them. Children should do whatever they can to help their parents, from the smallest to the biggest help. In short, if someone wants all their wishes for happiness to be fulfilled, they should take good care of their parents. It is very important that as a child grows up, parents teach them respect. This education is very, very important for both the child’s short- and long-term happiness.

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Notes

³ This is also called the environmental result. [Return to text] 

⁴ The life stories of Buddha Shakyamuni are called the Jataka Stories, or Jataka Tales. [Return to text]

⁵ Tib. mdza’ bo’i bu mo, Skt. Maitrakanyaka. Lama Zopa Rinpoche often translates this as Clay Maker Girl. Read the full story here. [Return to text]