My very dear one,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry it took a little time to answer; I was teaching a course in North Carolina and also busy with other matters. Sometimes there are many things to do.
I read your letter and took time to think about it. This is not an easy situation and maybe I don’t know many of the details. I am very sorry to read your words and know of this situation. It is a very difficult situation for you.
All I feel I can do is give you advice according to Dharma and it is really the best if you can do the practice because then it can end the suffering. Fighting doesn’t end anything, just more karma is created and it never ends. The suffering goes on and on and on.
I think really your ex-partner is helping you in reality to achieve enlightenment quickly by letting you practice Dharma. Of course I know in relationships it can be very difficult to practice patience, but if we know the teachings and never get to practice, that is very, very sad and a great, great loss. I am telling you from my heart, this is coming sincerely from my heart to you.
This new partner has karma, your ex-partner has karma and you have karma. Without karma nothing happens. The best thing is to help your ex-partner live in peace, and you can help to bring them into peace. Then you can help to bring the world into peace. This is the only way you can get real benefit.
My dear one, you have to think of it as your karma. This is why you should practice and “put all the blame on one,” thinking of all the sentient beings’ great kindness. You should not think of other people’s self-cherishing thought; it is your self-cherishing thought that needs to be targeted. One great Kadampa geshe practitioner said this is the essential practice, putting all the blame onto one. Especially in these situations it’s most important to practice, otherwise you create heavy negative karma of body, speech and mind.
Also take the loss on oneself and give the victory to others, if you want to practice and if you want to really benefit other sentient beings—to eliminate all the obscurations and gain all the realizations. So for that reason, offer the victory to your ex-partner.
Young Tibetan people want to fight the Chinese, but His Holiness the Dalai Lama does not want to fight them. His Holiness wants to keep peace and then from truth get freedom. Why doesn’t His Holiness want to fight? If someone harms us, we fight, then by one negative action of harming the other person, we will experience the suffering result of five hundred or one thousand lifetimes in the lower realms, depending on how it is done, how heavy the action. We have to experience that result for a long time unless we purify. So we suffer on and on. Therefore, His Holiness doesn’t want to fight. That is very wise in the long-term, because we get the result through the truth.
This is my advice from my heart to you. I have also put the fourth verse of the Eight Verses of Thought Transformation here as it is very helpful for the mind.
Whenever I see beings who are wicked in nature and overwhelmed by violent negative actions and suffering, I shall hold such rare ones dear, as if I had found a precious treasure.
I am sure, if you can, practice Dharma and bodhicitta. Thank you so much for your kindness.
With love and prayer...