There are different meditations and techniques that one can try. When you come closer to the person or thing that is the object of your desire, you should think that you are coming closer to the lower realm or to the hell realm. This is the advice of Dromtönpa, the great translator for Lama Atisha, and an embodiment of the Compassion Buddha. He advises this because since the motivation is non-virtuous—desire and clinging to this life—one’s relationship with that object causes one to be reborn in the lower realms. So, the closer we are to the object, the closer we are to the hell realms.

However, whether you are physically with the person you feel desire for, or whether he or she is absent, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t meditate, your mind suffers all the time. If you don’t generate at least some renunciation, then the stronger the desire becomes, the more pain there is in your life. If you practice some meditation on renunciation, even if you cannot cut the attachment completely and free yourself from that object, at least you can reduce it.

But if you do not practice the remedies to desire, whether you are close physically, or whether there is a distance to the object, in either case, the mind continuously suffers. It doesn’t give you any peace. The mind always gets sick, with the sickness of desire. So, meditation is one extremely important thing for dealing with attachment.

The general advice for us beginners who don’t have control over our delusions, who have no realizations of impermanence or death, or of renunciation of samsara, is to look after your mind and protect it all the time with meditation. At the same time, the advice is physically to be away from the object of the delusion, desire, or anger. At the same time as you are taking care of your mind, applying the antidote, which is meditation, then, specifically, one should keep physical distance from the object. This way, there is more stability of mind. One can clear the obstacles, and then the realizations can come.

After some time, once you have achieved the fundamental realizations of the lam-rim, the three principals of the path, then when mixing with others or being close to the object of desire, your mind has stability, and you are able to control the delusions. You are able to prevent them from arising. So, the object cannot harm your mind. Then, of course, once you become an Arya being, there is no question of it harming your mind.

Generally, the advice is to follow these two important things. Now, not everybody can do this, since not everyone has the karma to be able to do it. Not everybody can become an ascetic, with total renunciation, cutting the desire and clinging to this life. Not every human being in this world can become Buddhist. Not everybody on earth has the karma or merit to become Buddhist.

So, since not everybody can become an ascetic, what I suggest is, to do your best! Although not everybody can be a monk or nun, and not everybody can live in celibacy, a couple living together can decide to use their lives to benefit other sentient beings. I think that’s very important, for that lifestyle, to have the basic motivation to serve others. If you have that motivation, then you can do many good things together, for others. So, if you have that lifestyle, try to make your life as beneficial as you can, however much you are able. There must be this motivation on both sides. One’s own pleasure and comfort is not the foremost thing. The first thing is to benefit others, to act for the happiness of other sentient beings, not just for one’s own and one’s companion’s happiness and comfort. This is the attitude you should have. Then you will have a lot of peace and happiness. You can help each other grow, and that also helps to develop your Dharma practice.

But if the primary motivation is your own comfort and pleasure in this life, many problems can arise. Even though you are physically living together, there can be constant disharmony and fighting, always problems, always distrust and uncertainty. You want to be happy, but you are not, and this is of no help to your Dharma practice.

So, even though it is difficult to control desire, it is very important. Even if you can’t stop it completely, at least try to reduce it as much as possible. Engage in it as little as possible. When you reduce your following of desire, your negative karma becomes less. This is the minimum practice, the minimum renunciation.