My most dear one,
It is incredible what you have been able to do; it is amazing what you have already done.

I think what is happening with your mind is some imprints of wrong views and heresy from past lives are rising up. You should know that. Don't think that your mind is you, or that your mind is negative; you don't need to think that way. Negative thoughts can arise, but you don't need to follow or believe them.

So, please continue doing nyung näs. Also, you can do lamrim meditations in between; it is very important to do those.

Do your meditations and prostrations and think that you are purifying negative karma that you have created since beginningless time, as well as purifying the suffering result that you have collected since beginningless rebirths, as well as purifying broken pratimoksa and bodhisattva vows that you have broken since beginningless rebirths, especially negative karma collected with the guru. So, you must continue to do these purification practices such as prostrations.

When you do mandala offerings, make a strong request, from Jorchö:

Special Request for the Three Great Purposes

I prostrate and go for refuge to the guru and the Three Rare Sublime Ones: please bless my mind.

Please bless me and all mother sentient beings to immediately cease all the wrong concepts from disrespect to the spiritual friend up to the subtle dual appearances of the white appearance, red increase, and dark near attainment.

Please bless us to immediately generate all the right realizations from respect for the spiritual friend up to the unification of no more learning.

Please bless us to immediately pacify all outer and inner obstacles. (3x)

When negative thoughts come, it means you need to collect merit. One way of doing this is by reciting this prayer. After making mandala offerings, recite this prayer for the Three Great Purposes three times. Make very strong prayers to your gurus, as well as to Chenrezig and the nyung nä lineage lamas, who are all inseparable from your guru. Make very strong prayers for them to grant blessings for you to receive all the realizations. It is very important that when these thoughts rise up you do not allow them to last a long time and try not to follow them.

Once in Australia when I was doing prostrations, suddenly the thought came "maybe there is no enlightenment." It didn't last long, only a short time, not even a minute. This shows past heresy, a negative imprint. So, you should be aware of this and not follow those thoughts. When the thoughts come, make very strong prayers to your guru, think that nectar descends and purifies all your wrong concepts and that you receive all the realizations.

You can also recite your guru’s name mantra or Lama Tsongkhapa mantra (mig me...) and a strong prayer for protection. It is billions of times worse to think heretical thoughts than to fall down a precipice and die. If that happens it just harms this life. Heresy creates incredibly negative karma, no liberation, no enlightenment; it can destroy all your merits and make one be reborn in the hell realms. If one does not have heretical thoughts, and has faith, even if one’s morality degenerates, one will be reborn in the animal realm, but if one has heretical thoughts, one will be reborn in the hell realm. Therefore, remember this, heresy is a billion times worse then falling down a precipice and dying, or falling off a cliff, or dying from cancer or AIDS.

So, you must protect your mind, do purification practice, and make strong requests to the guru to grant you blessings.

Please continue doing nyung näs and let me know how you are getting on after a few months.

With much love and prayers...