Disharmony in the Family

For your mother

1. Recitation of OM MANI PADME HUM

Recite OM MANI PADME HUM, thinking of your mother. Listen! Each time you recite OM MANI PADME HUM, that means you are freeing all the mother sentient beings from the oceans of samsara; all the numberless sentient beings—the hell beings, hungry ghosts, animals, human beings, suras, asuras and intermediate state beings—from the oceans of samsaric suffering.

Each time you say OM MANI PADME HUM [Rinpoche snaps his fingers], each time, that is all it is for, to bring the numberless hell beings, hungry ghosts, animals, humans, suras and asuras to full enlightenment, to peerless happiness and to full enlightenment. So, each time you say this mantra OM MANI PADME HUM, you are freeing all sentient beings, including your mother, from the oceans of samsaric suffering and bringing each of them to the peerless happiness, to full enlightenment. Each time you say OM MANI PADME HUM, it’s for that. What it does is that.

This is what it does, so that includes your mother. You can think of your mother and visualize the Buddha Chenrezig here, and nectar comes to you. Beams come to you and to your mother and to all beings, who are in front of you.

2.  Vajrasattva purification

Then do Vajrasattva practice. At your heart are all the sentient beings, especially your mother. Then Vajrasattva sends nectar down, purifying all sentient beings, including yourself and especially your mother. With this visualization, recite the Vajrasattva mantra 21 times.

Regarding your question about the benefit of seeing your mother again, if seeing your mother benefits her in the next life, so she goes to the pure land etc, yes [it is good to see her], but if she has more attachment when she dies, then it is not good. You have to think of the benefit, not of worldly attachment. According to my divination, seeing your mother is good, not seeing your mother is good. There is no difference.

3.  Golden Light Sutra

In the Golden Light Sutra there is a chapter on compassion. This is very good. Read that chapter 80 times on your mother’s behalf. You can read it in Tibetan.

For your brother

1.  His Holiness the Dalai Lama visualization and mantra recitation

Visualize His Holiness the Dalai Lama on top of your brother’s head. Then nectar purifies all the obscurations—gross obscurations [Tib: nyön-drib] and subtle obscurations [Tib: she-drib] —and the anger, attachment, ignorance and desire. These are completely purified.

Then generate for him to receive realizations, from guru devotion up to enlightenment. He receives renunciation, bodhicitta, emptiness and much compassion to all sentient beings—compassion to you and to all sentient beings.

Recite His Holiness the Dalai Lama's mantra every day. Pray to the Dalai Lama and recite his mantra. Then see what changes might happen.

2.  In the Bodhicaryavatara, there are two verses you should memorize:

I it was who in the past
Did harm to beings such as these.
And so, when others do me mischief,
It is only just that they should injure me.¹

Those who harm me come against me,
Summoned by my evil karma.
But they will be the ones who go to hell,
And so it is myself who bring their ruin.²

The essence is this. Think, “My karma is harming that person. In my past life I harmed him, and the karma persuaded him so now I receive harm from him. I have caused him to do that, by creating this karma. I caused him to be born in hell. He can be born in hell at any time, therefore I need to help him. In the past I gave such harm to sentient beings, therefore it is worthwhile that somebody is harming me.”

So, with your brother, that is the result of past karma, the result of the self-cherishing thought, holding the I as more important than others.

Memorize these two verses from the Bodhicaryavatara and the following verse from the Seven-point Mind Training, so you can recite the verses by heart.

3.  In the Seven-point Mind Training, Geshe Chekawa said,

Banish all blames to the single source.
Toward all beings contemplate their great kindness.³

Use how others treat you as a condition to develop compassion. Have great kindness towards all and do not blame any sentient being. Put all the blame on one thing, the self-cherishing thought. Towards others have no blame at all.

So, have only kindness towards your brother. Wish him all happiness in the past, present and future—temporary and ultimate happiness, the peerless happiness, future enlightenment. Think, “I receive all happiness from him, so I will have only kindness towards him.”

Do you know how all happiness comes from him? Our good karma comes from the actions of the buddhas and from sentient beings, and we also create good karma through learning from the Guru-Buddha. Therefore, these are the main reasons.

You can think that all the three times’ happiness came from the buddhas; the buddhas came from bodhisattvas; the bodhisattvas came from great compassion, and great compassion arises due to the suffering of sentient beings. If sentient beings don't have suffering through delusion and karma, there won't be compassion. So the generation of compassion is dependent on every single beings' suffering—not just some, not like that, but on every sentient being that is obscured. That includes your brother. There are three types of suffering: the suffering of change, pervasive compounded suffering and [the suffering of suffering].

Therefore, you can see that your past happiness from beginningless rebirth, as well as your present and future happiness, enlightenment, all these come from your brother. That is very clear. This is unbelievable kindness from your brother to you.

Without your brother, there is no compassion, and without compassion, there is no bodhicitta. Without bodhicitta, there are no bodhisattvas, and without bodhisattvas, there is no Buddha. Without Buddha, there is no Buddha's action. So, in this way, all the three times’ happiness comes from your brother. [All happiness] is only through the kindness of all the sentient beings, friends, enemies, strangers, including your brother's kindness.

Think, “There is no harm to me which I haven't caused.”

So, it is a very, very, very, very, very, very important subject—how every sentient being is most kind to me, more kind than the Buddha, more kind than the Dharma, more kind than the Sangha, because that came from every sentient being.

Of course, there are many other ways your brother helps you, like developing patience, etc. There are many other ways. The most important thing is the kindness of all sentient beings, including your brother.

Think, “I can't wait to free him from the ocean of samsara. I can’t wait even for a minute or a second without wishing to bring him to enlightenment. Even helping him with small problems and giving him comfort is an incredible pleasure.” Understand that all sentient beings are just like your brother. That is the real practice, the most important practice.

It is mentioned by Panchen Shakya Shri, a great pandita, that if you suffer, then take all sentient beings' suffering. “May the oceans of suffering dry out.” That means the suffering of every samsaric sentient being. That is incredible. That is tonglen.

If you are happy, dedicate the happiness to collect merit. Think, "May space be filled with happiness and peace. May each sentient being have happiness and may peace be received by each sentient being."

It means that what you experience as happiness or suffering, dedicate that to every sentient being. Like, for example,  enjoying a five-star hotel—do tonglen to all. Then you don’t waste your life. It becomes worthwhile.

Please share this advice with others.

Notes

¹ See The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva, Ch. 6, v. 42. Translated by the Padmakara Translation Group, Shambhala Dragon Editions, 1997.  [Return to text]

² Ibid, Ch. 6, v. 47.  [Return to text]

³ See Mind Training: The Great Collection, Translated by Thubten Jinpa, Wisdom Publications, Boston, 2006.  [Return to text]

Dear Emily,
This is my advice to you:

• Recite the mantra Accomplishing All Actions (secret).  You should use this. It may help with the difficulties with your older son, and help him to be happy with you.
• Recite the Mantra Exalted One Pacifying Hatred.
• Recite the mantra to make people happy with you.  

The happiness that we think comes from outside actually comes from within us, from within our own mind. It is the same with our problems. Actually, nothing comes from just outside. Everything depends on how one thinks. Although it may seem to come from outside one’s mind, those are only the conditions for problems to arise.

One way of thinking brings problems in life, the other way, one doesn’t see problems. You can read the book Transforming Problems and also His Holiness the Dalai Lama's books on the good heart and his teachings on patience.

You can mention to your brothers and sisters that whatever harm they think their parents are doing to them, if they had not done negative actions toward the parents in the past, there would be no reason for them to receive harm or any unpleasant experiences from the parents now. So, remembering karma helps one to practice patience, not to get angry and return the harm.

The parents of this life are very powerful objects in one’s life. They gave birth to this body, and even a small disrespect shown to them generates negative karma so heavy that the results are experienced in this life and also continue into the next life. Even a small service or respect shown to this life’s parents brings results so powerful that the experience of the results starts in this life and then goes on into future lives.

This happens from karma created with powerful objects, starting from one’s parents. This is one of the three types of karma. With the second type of karma, the results are experienced in the next life. The results of the third type of karma are experienced after many lifetimes.

A more powerful object than the parents are ordained Sangha, including arhats, who have been liberated from and are free of the control of delusion and karma. More powerful than numberless arhats is one bodhisattva, just because he or she has generated bodhicitta. If you look at one bodhisattva with a disrespectful mind, glaring at them, this creates more negative karma than taking an eye from all the three realms’ sentient beings. If one looks at a bodhisattva with a respectful, devotional look, this creates much more merit than offering jewels to all the beings in the three realms.

This is how powerful one bodhisattva is. More powerful than numberless bodhisattvas is one buddha. Still more powerful than all the buddhas is one’s own virtuous friend.

These are the powerful objects in one’s life, so a small act of disrespect to them brings very negative results. The more powerful the object, the more negative those results. Therefore, it’s very good that you want to try to help your brothers and sisters be in harmony with your parents, so that they don’t create negative karma with their parents.

If you get angry, it doesn’t help. It leaves an imprint in the mind, planting a seed that will cause anger to arise again continuously in the future. When you think someone is bad—that is, you label them “bad”— if you retaliate, instead of making others harm you less, you create the cause to receive more harm from others in the future.

Therefore, in order to help oneself and also to protect and give peace and happiness to others and to oneself, now and in the future, the wisest thing is not to get angry or harm them back. The best thing is to practice compassion toward them and toward others.

Dear Jim,
Billions and trillions of thanks to you and your family, for your most unbelievable generosity and support of the FPMT, which means support for all sentient beings and our kind compassionate Buddha’s teachings. Thanks to all of them, and, since you asked me, they will always be in my prayers. I will keep them (and you) in my heart.

I will check and see what can be done for your relative. A few things:

1. There is a protection that we will prepare and courier to you, for you to wear. It is called Gyaltsen Tsemoi Pungyen.
2. Your praying to Medicine Buddha comes out extremely good, and is most beneficial for your relative’s family.
3. Also, it comes out extremely beneficial to recite the prayer Controlling the Appearances three times a day.
4. Then, in general, for your family and specifically for your son, I advise to have a controlling fire puja performed.

That is terrible. But the mother should not jump easily into a new relationship. She should consider carefully. Leaving a relationship with someone is not like giving up the guru, it’s not as serious as that, but, still, when you give up a person, it is very negative, because you cause so much hurt. Because of that, she should first check well, before beginning a new relationship.

Generally, though, one party has to be flexible. If the daughter is not flexible, then the mother must be. She can think, “Who do I cherish more? Who is more important?” One person must let go of her self-cherishing, since two self-cherishing thoughts will fight.