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A student said there was some
disharmony between her parents and her siblings. She asked
Rinpoche’s
advice for improving relations, to bring about harmony between
them. Her parents
were upset, but her brothers and sisters were even more upset
than the parents.
The happiness that we think comes from outside actually
comes from within us, from within our own mind. It is the
same with our problems. Actually, nothing comes from just
outside. Everything depends on how one thinks. Although it
may seem to come from outside one’s mind, those are
only the conditions for problems to arise.
One way of thinking brings problems
in life, the other way, one doesn’t see problems. You
can read the book Transforming
Problems and
also His
Holiness the Dalai Lama's books on
the good heart and his teachings on patience.
You can mention to your brothers and sisters that whatever
harm they think their parents are doing to them, if they
had not done negative actions toward the parents in the past,
there would be no reason for them to receive harm or any
unpleasant experiences from the parents now. So, remembering
karma helps one to practice patience, not to get angry and
return the harm.
The parents of this life are very powerful objects in one’s
life. They gave birth to this body, and even a small disrespect
shown to them generates negative karma so heavy that the
results are experienced in this life and also continue into
the next life. Even a small service or respect shown to this
life’s parents brings results so powerful that the
experience of the results starts in this life and then goes
on into future lives.
This happens from karma created with powerful objects, starting
from one’s parents. This is one of the three types
of karma. With the second type of karma, the results are
experienced in the next life. The results of the third type
of karma are experienced after many lifetimes.
A more powerful object than the parents are ordained Sangha,
including arhats, who have been liberated from and are free
of the control of delusion and karma. More powerful than
numberless arhats is one bodhisattva, just because he or
she has generated bodhicitta. If you look at one bodhisattva
with a disrespectful mind, glaring at them, this creates
more negative karma than taking an eye from all the three
realms’ sentient beings. If one looks at a bodhisattva
with a respectful, devotional look, this creates much more
merit than offering jewels to all the beings in the three
realms.
This is how powerful one bodhisattva is. More powerful than
numberless bodhisattvas is one buddha. Still more powerful
than all the buddhas is one’s own virtuous friend.
These are the powerful objects in one’s life, so a
small act of disrespect to them brings very negative results.
The more powerful the object, the more negative those results.
Therefore, it’s very good that you want to try to help
your brothers and sisters be in harmony with your parents,
so that they don’t create negative karma with their
parents.
If you get angry, it doesn’t help. It leaves an imprint
in the mind, planting a seed that will cause anger to arise
again continuously in the future. When you think someone
is bad—that is, you label them “bad”— if
you retaliate, instead of making others harm you less, you
create the cause to receive more harm from others in the
future.
Therefore, in order to help oneself and also to protect
and give peace and happiness to others and to oneself,
now and
in the future, the wisest thing is not to get angry or
harm them back. The best thing is to practice compassion
toward
them and toward others.
Daughter Opposes Mother’s
New Partner
After a couple divorced, the woman
was trying to develop a relationship with a new man, but the
daughter opposed the
new relationship. The mother and daughter were fighting bitterly
over it, and the daughter was refusing to allow the mother
into the house. A concerned friend asked for Rinpoche’s
suggestions. That is terrible. But the mother should not jump easily
into a new relationship. She should consider carefully. Leaving
a relationship with someone is not like giving up the guru,
it’s not as serious as that, but, still, when you give
up a person, it is very negative, because you cause so much
hurt. Because of that, she should first check well, before
beginning a new relationship.
Generally, though, one party has to be flexible. If the daughter
is not flexible, then the mother must be. She can think, “Who
do I cherish more? Who is more important?” One person
must let go of her self-cherishing, since two self-cherishing
thoughts will fight. |
